Victoria Park and Andras Kemenes

Yeah, McDonald's delivers here. You can have crispy fries at your door in no time. It probably helps to speak Korean and have a phone.

There is a good chance the cellphone you bought in North America will not work in Korea unless it's unlocked (not tied to a carrier) and you buy a Korean SIM card, show your passport, provide a DNA sample and endure a 72-hour waiting period. Other than that, it's a breeze! Be smart and rent one at the many counters at Incheon Airport. The cost is about $3-5 dollars a day. Probably a hefty deposit, too, but that's not a problem if you remember to return the thing.

Spring flowers outside the Wangsimni subway station.

One of Seoul's many "love" motels. I don't think they're as sleazy as they sound, and for $50 a night, they might be a good option in case you get screwed on arrival. They all feature these tassels, which I guess shows how discreet they are? Dunno.

Another option if YOUR LANDLORD DOESN'T SHOW AS PROMISED or there's another obstacle, is to ask a taxi driver to take you to a jimjilbang, a gender-segregated bathhouse where you can sleep on the floor with a bunch of Koreans for like 10 bucks for 8 hours. Learn from my mistakes: Just rent the fuckin' phone.

Another hard-earned lesson: If you're in a restaurant and no one is waiting on you, it's because you didn't notice the electronic bell on your table. You're welcome.

The Seoul Arts Center, site of a joint piano concert featuring Eun Kyung (Victoria) Park and Andras Kemenes. The iconic Seoul complex is bigger than it looks from the outside. The recital wasn't in this building, but in the IBK Hall behind it.

Folks sit on fake grass, enjoying a water show to the tunes of Tom Jones.

Sluggh enjoys a schwarzbier before entering.

I'm on the hand side in the ninth row.

Park was a mess. She played Lizst's Hungarian Rhapsody, and after about 30 seconds I thought there was something wrong with the piano. It sounded chunky, almost too big for the salle. Then I noticed she was hammering the pedal like she was in 32nd place at the Brickyard.

Does she possess more musical talent than I could ever dream of? Beside the point! She fulfilled the stereotype of the Asian musician practicing the Western classical repertoire: a robot in a rush. I wanted rhapsody; she gave me rape. This is a piece that requires texture, variation and humor, not data entry. Judging from her bio, she's in her early 40s, so maybe there's still hope.

Kemenes took over for the rest of the night, starting with C.P.E. Bach's Six Prussian Sonatas. The interpretation was super-romantic. Can't judge! No one knows what CPE sounded like, and he sure as hell didn't compose for the piano, so who's to say?

But here's the thing: Kemenes directs his instrument. He massages the keys so that one note sounds like a hatpin falling on a tin roof, another like a Nerf ball thrown against a cork board. How is this possible? I don't know. The irony is that Park studied with him in Budapest and picked up on none of this. I am convinced there is a music gene, and in Western terms it is found most commonly in Central and Eastern Europe. [Insert authoritative sniff here.]

Kemenes seems most comfortable in the late Baroque, but he also had a good time with Ravel's "Mother Goose" and Schubert's "Three Military Marches."

Per usual, the encore was tantalizingly reminiscent but elusive. (Should've asked Kemenes what it was, but I've expunged all my Hungarian to make room for 36 Korean phrases and the Cleveland Browns' new 53-man roster).

Outside, Park and Kemenes politely turn to me to pose for a picture. No hard feelings, Tory!